1. Disco Goldfish Platforms
Obviously a leftover souvenir from the 1970s and bad disco, goldfish platforms were quite a stunning novelty, elevating the wearer to heights of unheard-of geekdom. Made with an acrylic heel, the goldfish could be real or fake, though I seriously doubt that any real goldfish would have lived through more than one night of disco dancing. If the dancing didn’t kill them, the lack of oxygen and acidic bacterial buildup would have. These were the must-have shoes to say “Look at me, I can kill fish with one kick of my heel!”
Luckily we live in more humane times and the goldfish now being sold in disco platforms are plastic replicas that only require distilled water to survive.
2. Circuit Board Sneakers
Gabriel Dishaw’s upcycled Nike shoes are a big hit with any man who fixes computers for a living. Just check out and drool over sneakers with names such as “The Frankenstein Terminator” or “Nike Free Time Y2K” or even “Junk Dunk”. It’s enough to make you want to get into the business yourself, naming upcycled sneakers to make them pump even harder. Apparently they weigh quite a lot, due to the components contained therein.
3. The Gum Stuck To The High Heel
If you’ve ever had the pleasure of this experience, the Gum Stuck To The High Heel shoe will capture it for all time. If I owned these, I would think of stepping in gum every time I stepped out. And the worst part is that it wouldn’t be my gum I’d be stepping in!
Whoever dreamed up this shoe was a genius or an idiot savant, but they were all the rage a few years ago and featured in many magazines showing off something new in the fashion world (it has been a long time since there was something new in the fashion world). Certainly, the gum heels would be talking point at parties and would horrify the host – make sure you wear them on the carpet for best effect.
4. Sandwich Thongs (Or Sandwich Flip Flops)
An idea I’ve seen around the last few years is the Sandwich Thong/Flip Flop. With a corked base reminiscent of the bread in a sandwich, I think these shoes would feature heavily at BBQs and outdoor picnics. Unlike a McDonalds hamburger, which promises a GIANT burger and delivers a small pattied bun, the Sandwich Thong/Flip Flops deliver a monstrous salad, meat and cheese sandwich that guarantee to cushion your feet but not your waistline.
I do wonder how people would react to a food shoe like this after they were worn for awhile though. Would they get hungry for a hamburger, then almost vomit over the smell of sweaty feet and tinea?
5. The Cacti Heel
For some reason, after spending $400 on a pair of heels they can’t wear, women feel the urge to save the shoes. The Cacti Heel is about rescuing and upcycling shoes which have no real purpose, except to remind the owners of the pain inflicted when wearing them. It’s possible that in a previous life, the owners were dominatrixes who wanted to take over the world, and instead in this life, resorted to scaring other people with the pointy bits. Either way, whether you’re a Cacti Submissive Heel or a Cacti Dominant Heel you can get your kicks out of having one of these on your windowsill!
6. Unisex Skyscraper Boots
You haven’t lived until you’ve put on a pair of these and towered 4ft above everyone else. Described as “fantastic fetish footwear”, I’d be inclined to redescribe them as “Giant Ugly Bouncer Boots”. Springs are in the foam heels where the “lights” of the skyscraper reside and you can turn these on by bouncing people out of the nightclub when their shoes aren’t as cool as yours. I’ve no idea why dwarves would want to wear these boots but I don’t want to find out what weapons they hold either.
7. The LED Lightup Tokyo Toy Sneakers
Looking like something out of Tokyo nightlife, the LED Lightup Toy Sneakers are for seriously freaky ecstasy fans only. Fall in love with your city of choice and enjoy the control person at the helm of your heel. Not only can you get to walk like King Kong all over the “buildings”, but you can also run a bullet train or plane down the lighted tongue runway. There’s only one problem with these sneakers and that is that whoever sees them first will probably want to steal them, also in the city of your choice. And maybe some add some extra figurines in the side grandstands. With moustaches.
8. Shopping Trolley Platforms
If you’re a non-car type of person, then these shoes are for you. Do the shopping and store some of it in a shopping-trolley lookalike that you can wear home! Get fit by avoiding cars and also lifting heavy items with your feet! No one’s going to steal your shopping when your trolley smells like overloaded sweaty feet and you’ll be able to get the camembert up to temperature on the way home, adding to the inbuilt theft protection system.
9. Fake Turf Thongs/Flip Flops
These shoes are actually a fantastic idea. Not only do you get to spend untold amounts of money feeling like you are walking on grass, you can actually avoid walking on grass while doing so. Ideally used for such scenarios as going to the beach and walking on the road, you’ll find that dog poo will not harm your feet, and neither will slugs and snails, since the grass is fake. Beware of making these with cheap fake grass though – it just won’t feel the same and maybe kids might mistake your feet for slabs of meat in a butcher’s shop.
10. The Alligator Sneaker
Designed to make you feel tougher than you really are, the Alligator Sneakers are a great way to recycle sneakers that would normally be thrown away. There’s so much bacterial mould and sweat in these babies that they split open, hence the addition of teeth. The artistic thing is, the eyelets look like eyes on the alligator, adding to the “look”. Be the trendiest bogan in the swamps!
11. The Sexy Tongue Shoes
If you feel like having an orgasm putting your shoes on, then these are the shoes worth pursuing. Let the red heel tongue lick your foot underside with hot abandon, while the open lipsticked shoe mouth devours your arches with pleasurable attention. The creator describes these shoes as shoes to “let your feel do the talking”, but I’d be highly inclined to sell them to Hannibal Lector types as prototypes for those moments when your feet just can’t say no.
12. The Spider Web Heel
13. The Frippery Ladies Shoe
Give yourself a massive boost at your local polymer clay show with these magnificent beauties! Not only do they take thousands of hours to make, but they also showcase your complete lack of knowledge about fashion and fashion trends. Revel in the old-fashioned history of your new-fashioned crafted masterpiece! Adding a lacy off-colour edging around the foot hole seems to be a prerequisite to join the ranks of the worthy in terms of glue guns and mysterious porcelain offcuts upcycled into an interesting background.
14. The Aliens Heel
If you feel like bathing your feet in acid at any point, consider buying these shoes and save yourself the hassle. Not only do you get to join with the original Alien as one being, you might attract some Sigourney Weavers to spit at while you’re waiting for Alien Man. Created with tendrils of god-knows-what and clear plastic straps reminiscent of hospital blood transfer tubes, you’d be shouting to the world about the strong-but-bitter woman you are – especially if you can lift your legs when you catwalk these beauties.
15. Scottish Clan Shopping Pram Heels
Just in case you thought Scottish people were cool, these will remind you that the complete opposite can be true. Wear these shoes to your nearest fish market and revel in the ability to rollerskate while buying fish or meat. Not only will they match your trendoid shopping pram, but you might receive offers of cents to remove them and throw them in the bin. Don’t do it. Fish market shoes are fish market shoes and deserve to be worn to the fish market, where you will be reminded of octopus suckers wherever you go.
16. Man Fish Thongs/Flip Flops
17. Banana Slippers
Literally designed just like banana peels, you’ll slip and slide your way to the couch in these inventive creations. Worn best with pyjamas, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how comfortable they are, except for on wooden floorboards. Add a banana scent to make you aware of them at every moment. Add a rotten orange to remind you that you are wearing fake fruit on your feet and it is rather embarrassing and geeky.
18. Aztec Bone Sacrifice Platforms
Ever wanted to feel like you’re on top of the heap? These platforms are inspired by the ancient and bloodthirsty Aztecs who sacrificed virgins, slaves and anyone who wasn’t as good as they were to the Sun God. Stare moodily across miserable vistas of human slavery from the heights of your Aztec platforms. Slit anyone’s throat with your razor sharp heels. Just don’t forget to put in the hamster wheel for next year’s fashion, or maybe next year’s fashion is a dead hamster?
19. Spider Platforms
20. Flipper Heels
21. Gumboot Fence Planters
Show the world how smart you really are and add some mud to your gumboots when you have finished with them. Then add some seedlings and see if they want to grow in your sweaty gumboots from seasons past. You might need to pierce a hole in the bottom of them to make sure the poor plant can breathe, but if you nail the boots to a fence anyway, chances are sunstroke will kill off the baby plants pretty effectively.
22. Lego Heels
Perfect for Lego conventions, children’s Lego mess piles and LAN parties, these Lego Heels are easy to make at home with a glue gun, preferably when the kids can’t see what you are doing to their Lego collection. Potential suggestions for additional clout include adding Lego people to the heels, or creating different themes like City, Friends, Harry Potter, Castle, Duplo or Minecraft. Don’t forget to put them away when you’ve finished wearing them. They hurt to step on…
23. The 50 Shades Of Pain Shoes
They look painful. They feel painful. Overall, it makes sense to conclude that these shoes were built for women by men who enjoy pain. Looking like a cross between an anime/Bjork/Ikea nightmare, you’ll find nasty men salivating around every corner while wearing these babies. And if you don’t feel the pain after a torturous meander round the block, you can always try adding a venomous spider or a goldfish to check they are working properly.
24. Crotchet Grandma-Type Thong/Flip Flog Leg Warmer Things
Made by the people who make things even your grandmother wouldn’t wear, these leg warmer thongs/flip flops don’t make much sense at all. Take a pair of shoes you want your feet to be cool in, and warm them up with crotcheted doilies so you can be hot anyway. At least they match the bag pictured, which seems to be the overall objective.
25. The Architectural Heel
From the mind of a suffering fashion designer comes the Architectural Heel, designed to eliminate all expenses in shoe production completely. Bangladesh factory workers will just have to work less hours and pump them out faster for their meagre salaries, as this shoe is set to revolutionize shoe making as we know it. The forefather (or foremother) of many shoes to come, including the Origami Paper Shoe, the Shoe Base Shoe and the Invisible Shoe, the Architectural Heel is a magnificent stroke of minimalist sunstroke available at your local retail store.
26. Gadget Shoes
27. Reverse Heal Shoes
28. Toe-less Shoes
29. Card Board Shoes
30. Foot in Foot Shoes
